Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Hey Universe, I'm Kinda Getting It Now

Dear Universe,

I know I've been somewhat wishy-washy for the last few months. Saying I want "this" and "that" and then turning around and saying "oh, well, I didn't get 'that' so I'm fine with and really actually want 'this'." I'm totally lying to myself sometimes and you know it. Sorry about that, but I swear I'm really coming around.

I'm a bit mixed up so I'm sorry if I've been getting wires crossed, but I'm trying to really pin point my personal truths and desires. It's hard breaking down these long held fears that can subconsciously brain wash me. It tends to take me a few days, if not weeks to realize I've been retreating to the same old tricks and just going along with what I think I'm "supposed" to be doing. But I'm beginning to wise up.

I don't want to do anymore what I'm "supposed" to do according to the convention-gods. Sure, I'm good at it, and I'm leading that typical middle class suburban life style of yuppie whatevers.I'm doing the dutiful work for that much yearned for pat on the head and nod of approval. And I finally realized that's what's holding me back from learning to do things on my own terms and trusting in my own direction and strength. I need to stop looking externally for validation of what I do or who I am. That's not the place to look for it.

I need to love and approve of myself first and foremost. I need to look inside for what I should do to find happiness, because my new definition of success embodies finding things that make me feel happy and fulfilled. I can still fulfill my wish to help others, but I don't necessarily need to do it in a conventional way. I'm currently working at a nonprofit that does great things, and while I fully support what they do and why, I notice that I'm not aligned with it completely. My day to day does not inspire and connect me directly with people to experience or realize any kind of impact. Yes, I realize my filing papers and doing this and that helps my boss who in turn helps the company achieve things, but I'm capable of a helluva lot more and I want to have the freedom to do that! I do have the freedom. Now I just need to work on taking that first step towards something different and break free of my self created cage (and these damn cubicles).

It's funny... a lot of things that I want to do are things that I've done. Basically, I recognize that I've been on the paths that I've wanted to travel before, but always convinced myself those experiences or things could only be temporary, but why do I believe that. I've proven to myself I can try new random things and go out to do new activities and that I've had the type of life I've wanted. But somehow I've moved backwards a bit and I'm not really doing much of anything anymore, minus the awesome achievement of finding my Soul Mate. But I think I let myself get too comfortable and stagnated. But I'm ready again to grow even more. I know I have the capacity and now I just need to put that in motion and make shit happen!

To start changing things up, I'm trying to be more conscious about what I choose to do and how I choose to do things. I'm currently in this place where I'm purposely not doing something expected or choosing to look at my options differently. I'm trying to break myself of my ingrained assumptions and social expectations. I'm learning to question why I have these deeply held beliefs that I have to do things in any particular way when many times my actions keep feeding me to stay "stuck" in places that I don't want to be. But I feel I have to be, because some idea in the air repeated to me growing up makes me think that's how I should act and those are the things I should want.

But I've realized that I want to do different things! Like totally enjoyable, life affirming, creative, and fulfilling type things! I've spent too long chasing socially acceptable type things. Or well, I'm starting to identify them, hence the below lists. I'm trying to break down the walls to rebuild them in a way that will suit me more naturally and help give me the inspirational energy to make an even greater impact on the world!

My vision for how I can be of more help to the Universe, by performing or achieving these things:
  • Use my creativity to find unique and non-traditional approaches towards helping others
  • Reach my vision of a dynamite self-loving confident me
  • Explore and be courageous!
  • Move North to be closer to friends and family
    (every time I talk to my friends or family up North, I get ecstatically happy and I just want to be around that ALL the time! I know in my heart that's where we're meant to end up)
  •  Become a kick-ass programmer or web developer or something related to web tinkering or could I even dare become a motivational type person or maybe start a nonprofit for self-confidence type stuffs (ok... so the end goal is still formulating in my vision)
Things I know I need to generally do to start getting where I want:
  • Take more action
  • Focus more on positive events and signs for where I want to go.
  • Trust my emotions; trust in knowing I can live a life full of joy and fulfillment.
  • Fill my time with doing activities that will help me grow and learn.
  • Structure my life so that I'm the healthiest and hottest me I can be.
  • Let go of past hangups and embrace intimacy and romance with FiancĂ© (be more physically affectionate) 
  • Be open to the outside world - seek out new and interesting experiences!
  • Get serious about developing my computer skills and dedicate more time towards increasing my knowledge 
  • Push the boundaries of my comfort zone and let go of rigid expectations!
Also, hey Universe. Thank you for helping Miles out. He had us super worried when he threw up that plastic piece and then had bloody diarrhea after the vet visit (for like 3 days!). But he finally ate his food this morning with his usual zest and vigor. Thank you Universe for helping him be healthy again.

So here's a video of Miles yesterday, feeling better while we're out on a walk, catching treats that I toss to him.

So in conclusion, thanks for being so patient with me, Universe. I get it and I'm going to make you proud!

(Yeah, that's me)

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Trusting life for the best you

Growth: You ask and you shall receive

The last few months were somewhat sucky in that I was working and waiting to see if I would get a certain new position. I didn't. Management decided to go a different direction and instead of someone with a year or two of experience, they decided someone with 10+ years is more the direction they are going.

The short of the story - the original hiring Director wanted me in the position and was pushing upper management to give me a shot. They didn't and now I think the CEO has taken over the hiring for the position and upped it a level instead of allowing this Director to do his thang.

Despite the upset of not getting something I was trying for, I'm more than relieved after finally receiving closure. Being in the "maybe, maybe not" limbo for 4 months was shitty.

On the bright side, I did learn a good amount and went through some challenging experiences which helped me begin to expand the boundaries of my comfort level (mainly  meeting with people).

I also was really able to identify the areas I need to step up to be more successful to get where I want. I think maybe the most important thing that I learned to do was ask for help and to make clear to others my end goals.

Now I'm in a somewhat split situation where I will be working with the former hiring director as well as my current boss and both are very supportive of positioning me to learn more and help me grow. This is pretty much what I've been wanting and I think things turned out the best way for the pace and level that is ideal for me.

The main thing to keep in mind is to just really trust in life to help me develop to the best of my potential as good or bad as the situation may seem.

Trust in life, keep positive as much as you can, and know that things will be okay.

You'll always get what you need or at least I always have. It just sometimes takes me a while to reconcile my head, my heart, and my current level of skills.

But as I said in my previous post, I'm ready to start getting into it and doing what I got to do to get UP.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Craving Freedom. Craving Growth.

I'm trying to get out of a mini- mental slump.

So I want to focus on things that are more positive instead of constantly reminding myself of how uninspired I currently feel.

What I want the most is the freedom and courage to pursue things that will make a greater impact on a bigger audience. Or at the very least I want the freedom and courage to fight for things that inspire me and keep me looped into feeling energized to keeping giving and doing.

I want freedom to interact with the world outside of these grey cloth cubed walls.

I can do more.

I want to do more.

I am done with the score board.

I am done with the "because this is merely what you're supposed to be doing."

 I want to be bold and be able to do things that are uncomfortable because they are the right things that inspire me. Instead of doing things that are uncomfortable because I am too afraid to step away.

It's just like every failed relationship that allowed me to find the love of my life. I need to let go. I want to let go. It is a great place with good people, but I've outgrown my current position. Others have started to notice I have potential for more, but others seem to be fighting to keep me sheltered. But then again, that's as if it were my own fears playing out on a stage. I still believe at times that maybe I can't do the bigger and better job. If I don't believe, why should anyone else?

SO I DO BELIEVE. I believe I can do better, do more, and that I know that I could make a bigger impact with people who recognize that I can do the same. Here - some do and some don't. I think it's time to pursue that higher level, because I am no good to anyone with my slowly wilting soul. Dramatic? That's how it feels. Silent suffering, because I can't seem to muster up the courage to take the jump.

But it's about time.

Dear World,

I promise I can do better. This isn't like those sleepy lovers lies of "more" and "better." This is an "I mean it!" time. This is the - "I will roll up my sleeves and get dirty and uncomfortable if that means I could do more." The degrees don't matter unless that means using it to help do things bigger and better. I'm ready to stop doing the robotic plodding along.

I realize, I want to GROW and I will do whatever it takes to get there, because what I'm doing now isn't living. In my gilded cage.

If you could just please be sure to make some room for me to squeeze out of my cage, I would really appreciate it. I'm more than willing to give my job to someone else, because I'm sure there is someone out there who could do more and better because they dream of what I'm doing. And that's ok. It's just not my dream anymore."
I'm ready to use my creativity to try to help make others happy, to make this world a kinder place, and to live more purposefully. 
 I want the next step to be one of interaction with others, sharing of my ideas, and the enjoyment of the world outside of my self-created confines. I'm ready for the risks and the unpredictability of working towards something bigger.

Thirsty for personal growth. Hungry for exploration and change.

I trust you'll help me find a way as you always have.
 I'm ready to take responsibility for my life.
Thanks a bunch,

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Back to blogging: Getting out of my shell!

I've decided I want to come back.

I want to blog.

I want to be creative and let my quirky and random stuff out on my small corner of the web.

I want to be unafraid!

awkward puppy miles welcome back

I want to be unapologetic for simply trying to do the best I can.

With my 30th year on the horizon, I want to embrace change and be a better me. I want to finally shed the skin of the past and work towards making mistakes while trying to be my best self.

I want to get out in the world and experience things. I want to stop being a hermit. I want to engage others in conversation and learn that I can live passed all those awkward stares after I make a total social faux pas.

  • Find my authentic self. Start regularly blogging again and try to be unafraid to let myself be who I am, even if it's to a blogosphere full of strangers. Cuz really, it's probably easier to practice out in a room of strangers than in front of coworkers and friends!
  • Reflect the change. Overhaul this website and redo the design and layout to fit where I'm at now and just because I really enjoy tinkering with my layouts. It's about time for a new one to reflect my return!
  • Push myself outside my comfort zone. Admit mistakes, let go of my pride, learn that it feels better to trust in life and encourage others' success. I've been living from a place of fear and scarcity for so long in my high-walled isolation zone, that really and truly changing is going to take some time. But I'm ready for the first major step of really trying!
  • Embrace what really makes me happy. I've spent the whole morning pretty much reading a gajillion articles from and on her articles on Forbes at I've pretty jazzed and motivated after reading many of her articles. I'm like "YA to women helping women and building connectedness and support in the professional world!" 
  • Meet people - network and make friends. So I've lived in the Greater Los Angeles area for maybe 3+ years and I really have not made any outside friends other than those associated with the Fiance (and they're all awesome), but it's about time to probably make some contacts, connections and friends of my own. I think it's about time to get out there and at least try, right?
  • Focusing on the positive. I think it's of course way too easy to fall trap to focus on downer things. But that never gets us anywhere. Focusing on the bright side is what can make the difference between staying stuck in a shitty situation or trying to make the best of things and grabbing an opportunity to get out.
  • Being open to new things. For example, Fiance and I have made friends with our hair guy who lives literally around the corner from us, and he asked if I wanted to get my makeup and hair done for a photoshoot tomorrow. I said yes. So - new things! Things like that. Random things. I want to just say "yes" and experience whatever the hell happens! Life is short, let's make some interesting stories!
  • Help others feel better. At the end of the day, I hope that part of my being a stronger person is so that I can equally help others to do the same. In some ways I think that maybe displaying openly any of my shyness or doubts online and my journey towards trying to make things right might help someone else. Who knows, right?
  • Become more proactive. Stop letting life passively affect me, but go out and try to influence as much as I can to get towards the things I want.
  • Figure out what my passions are. Yeah, this is a hard one. I'm still trying to figure that out, and that's what kinda stumps me when I read articles or watch videos of people talking about being true to that, but I'm still in that uncertain discovery phase. But until I truly figure it out, I guess my main goal right now is just trying to be my authentic self.
So yeah... that's it for now. Gotta go out and do Saturday night social stuffs, but yeah... 

Any potential female friends in the greater Los Angeles area who have a good sense of humor, can bond over a good drink, and aren't too good for cartoons, sarcasm, and puppies?


Does anyone know of any social or professional groups with gals in their 20s - 30s just looking to make friends and connections?

Yeah, or at least, does anyone know a funny joke?


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