I know I've been somewhat wishy-washy for the last few months. Saying I want "this" and "that" and then turning around and saying "oh, well, I didn't get 'that' so I'm fine with and really actually want 'this'." I'm totally lying to myself sometimes and you know it. Sorry about that, but I swear I'm really coming around.
I'm a bit mixed up so I'm sorry if I've been getting wires crossed, but I'm trying to really pin point my personal truths and desires. It's hard breaking down these long held fears that can subconsciously brain wash me. It tends to take me a few days, if not weeks to realize I've been retreating to the same old tricks and just going along with what I think I'm "supposed" to be doing. But I'm beginning to wise up.
I don't want to do anymore what I'm "supposed" to do according to the convention-gods. Sure, I'm good at it, and I'm leading that typical middle class suburban life style of yuppie whatevers.I'm doing the dutiful work for that much yearned for pat on the head and nod of approval. And I finally realized that's what's holding me back from learning to do things on my own terms and trusting in my own direction and strength. I need to stop looking externally for validation of what I do or who I am. That's not the place to look for it.
I need to love and approve of myself first and foremost. I need to look inside for what I should do to find happiness, because my new definition of success embodies finding things that make me feel happy and fulfilled. I can still fulfill my wish to help others, but I don't necessarily need to do it in a conventional way. I'm currently working at a nonprofit that does great things, and while I fully support what they do and why, I notice that I'm not aligned with it completely. My day to day does not inspire and connect me directly with people to experience or realize any kind of impact. Yes, I realize my filing papers and doing this and that helps my boss who in turn helps the company achieve things, but I'm capable of a helluva lot more and I want to have the freedom to do that! I do have the freedom. Now I just need to work on taking that first step towards something different and break free of my self created cage (and these damn cubicles).
It's funny... a lot of things that I want to do are things that I've done. Basically, I recognize that I've been on the paths that I've wanted to travel before, but always convinced myself those experiences or things could only be temporary, but why do I believe that. I've proven to myself I can try new random things and go out to do new activities and that I've had the type of life I've wanted. But somehow I've moved backwards a bit and I'm not really doing much of anything anymore, minus the awesome achievement of finding my Soul Mate. But I think I let myself get too comfortable and stagnated. But I'm ready again to grow even more. I know I have the capacity and now I just need to put that in motion and make shit happen!
To start changing things up, I'm trying to be more conscious about what I choose to do and how I choose to do things. I'm currently in this place where I'm purposely not doing something expected or choosing to look at my options differently. I'm trying to break myself of my ingrained assumptions and social expectations. I'm learning to question why I have these deeply held beliefs that I have to do things in any particular way when many times my actions keep feeding me to stay "stuck" in places that I don't want to be. But I feel I have to be, because some idea in the air repeated to me growing up makes me think that's how I should act and those are the things I should want.
But I've realized that I want to do different things! Like totally enjoyable, life affirming, creative, and fulfilling type things! I've spent too long chasing socially acceptable type things. Or well, I'm starting to identify them, hence the below lists. I'm trying to break down the walls to rebuild them in a way that will suit me more naturally and help give me the inspirational energy to make an even greater impact on the world!
My vision for how I can be of more help to the Universe, by performing or achieving these things:
- Use my creativity to find unique and non-traditional approaches towards helping others
- Reach my vision of a dynamite self-loving confident me
- Explore and be courageous!
- Move North to be closer to friends and family
(every time I talk to my friends or family up North, I get ecstatically happy and I just want to be around that ALL the time! I know in my heart that's where we're meant to end up)
Become a kick-ass programmer or web developer or something related to web tinkering or could I even dare become a motivational type person or maybe start a nonprofit for self-confidence type stuffs (ok... so the end goal is still formulating in my vision)
- Take more action.
- Focus more on positive events and signs for where I want to go.
- Trust my emotions; trust in knowing I can live a life full of joy and fulfillment.
- Fill my time with doing activities that will help me grow and learn.
- Structure my life so that I'm the healthiest and hottest me I can be.
- Let go of past hangups and embrace intimacy and romance with Fiancé (be more physically affectionate)
- Be open to the outside world - seek out new and interesting experiences!
- Get serious about developing my computer skills and dedicate more time towards increasing my knowledge
- Push the boundaries of my comfort zone and let go of rigid expectations!
So here's a video of Miles yesterday, feeling better while we're out on a walk, catching treats that I toss to him.
So in conclusion, thanks for being so patient with me, Universe. I get it and I'm going to make you proud!
(Yeah, that's me)