Thursday, July 31, 2014

For my next job

 Dear Universe,

Things are always formulating in my head as I gain more experiences to shape my path, but for now, in my next job I'd really like...
  • Great atmosphere and working environment with creative, positive, and quirky people. At least a group that are around my age that I could hang with and form friendships that exist outside of work.
  • Good, solid people. No pompous jerks. 
  • A good balance of collaborative team projects and individual projects.
  • Interesting work that's challenging, engaging and where I can be creative and helpful.
  • Great management and mentors who are open, honest, transparent, and strong figures I can admire. Also, support and patience and the ability to clearly articulate directions and/or to at least provide me with enough bigger picture information to be able to address and problem solve appropriately.
  • Encouraging and awesome supervisor who will help me reach higher heights in my career, and will have my back if things go down.
  • Passionate product or service.
  • Competitive compensation 50+ starting with good benefits and lots of room to increase. Salaried.
  • Lots of promotion opportunities.
  • Located in the Bay Area or be a completely remote position.
  • They value me and my skills as much as I value them.
  • Competitive and progressive. 
  • They'll pay for training and travel.
  • Long-term investment where I can really put in lots of years.
  • Cool perks I haven't thought of.
  • Shared philosophies.
  • Lots of responsibility and deep engagement within the company.
Just putting it out there. Don't know if it'll happen. But we'll see where my work and drive get me.


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Little steps towards big dreams - value every bit

Hello, My Little Corner on the Web,

I can't believe the last time I wrote was in April. I really thought it had been more recent than that. It's crazy how time flies, and also a little scary when you're left scratching your head thinking - "what the hell did I do during that time?" Luckily I can report that I made some steps since then.

Proud to update that I've done a few things to make changes and progress. Much of it occurring in terms of internal examination, but also a few external steps were taken.

Pursue Web Career Goals. To help find direction with my web development/design pursuit I signed up for and I'm in the middle of the Web Developer Blue Print at (Very good starter course and great community/cohorts for sharing discussion.)
Tried something bold and adventurous (for me) - DIY ombred/balayaged my hair at home. It turned out pretty decent (with some post color correcting). It helps boost and remind me to do fun and different things. Plus, not many have commented, so either it's just that bad, or no one bats an eye. Either way it positively reinforces my push towards exploring outside my box. My hair's definitely a smidgen louder now, and for a person who tries to blend or hide, it's like a weird flag waving/exposure situation that's different for me. But good for me. It says - look, no one cares, it's fine, be you - be adventurous, mistake making you - you don't need to pretend to be a certain image - JUST BE YOU!
Internal reflection and growth. Pushed passed an incident that really emotionally shook me, but realized my responsibility in it and established that my emotions aren't know-alls. Maybe I missed this in grade school, but as an always emotional and sometimes to my chagrin, very sensitive person, my emotions can take me over. I'm working on it. Sometimes things will happen, like maybe I get really disappointed about something. I won't show it outwardly, but I'll retreat inward and ball my eyes out when no ones looking, or even if a trusted few are... But I'm realizing (or more accurately, I'm being more cognizant) about how I also affect others and that I have emotional biases that sometimes blind me to my own actions (or silent inactions, but grudges nonetheless). But I'm trying to consciously let go and explore my feelings and get passed them rather than let them consume me.
Helping others. Valuing and more actively trying to use what I know or have to help others with my ego pushed aside. I realize the satisfaction and fulfillment I get when helping others. This seems standard or what's supposed to be standard, but it's sorta something I'm trying to embrace more from a getting in touch with a more pure aspect of giving (not in a snooty way), but like in a get over your fears and remember we're human, helping circle type way. I'm probably not explaining it very clearly. But let's just say I'm getting out of my own head and it helps. Overall, just trying to be a better and kinder person.
Little steps towards continuous improvement (does there necessarily have to be an end goal?). Learning offhandedly to take even small miniscule, I didn't realize steps. This one was kinda not intentioned, but taught a valuable lesson - to value every bit of progress. I have a pull up bar in one of the doorways of our house and I've made it a thing to just try doing a few pull-ups / chin-ups a day. Just as I'm passing by and not as any real goal. Just firming up my arm and back muscles due to some aches and pinches due to my usual weak upper body/back muscles. After doing it for just a week or two, I can now do 10 full and proper form push-ups! I didn't mean to build for that, but it was sorta a side perk of just taking a few moments a day to develop a weak area. It's like... Ok, so this reinforces if I dedicate just like five minutes A DAY to anything. Like many a person, I know I get overwhelmed by bigger goals and maybe avoid things, despite knowing I want to do them, but they suddenly become like block-monsters. Blocking me mentally and kinda paralyzingly at times. Like I don't have to do anything perfectly or wait for the best moment, I just need to take section, any action, everyday.
  • Soooo, I've had the lesson of take action, any action, no matter how big, to chip away at your obstacles. 
  • Let your freak flag fly, no one cares. It's better to share yourself with the world and find others who appreciate that. 
  • Helping others more selflessly isn't about giving away your possessions, but more about giving out of your abundance of knowledge or other things that you have a lot of, and sharing and giving from the heart because you genuinely want others to succeed and they can benefit from your know-how.
  • Don't know where to start? Sign up for a beginners class or research and checkout beginner books that will provide you with a solid foundation for the direction you want to go.
  • Try to drop the fears and defenses. The world isn't out to get you. If anything, it's there to help you, you just have to be bold enough to put your foot forward and keep going. Even if it's small shuffle steps.
Also, as I might have said before, I will start blogging more! But this time I mean it. I was waffling between creating a new blog or doing something different, but I like this blog and I'd rather focus on continuing it on and growing it. Just like with myself, I'll use what I got and transform slowly and surely and with continuous effort, into something I can be proud of.

Also - proud of this alert - I'm redoing this sight by putting in proper CSS, replacing my previous hacks of inserting the style and span tags into the widgets direct. It's so much nicer adding all my styling to make classes. The fact that I'm using my Skillcrush learnings is uber exciting! WEE!

(I'm writing this while on my iPad on a stationary bike before work, bear with me... Typos may have occurred.)

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Hey Universe, I'm Kinda Getting It Now

Dear Universe,

I know I've been somewhat wishy-washy for the last few months. Saying I want "this" and "that" and then turning around and saying "oh, well, I didn't get 'that' so I'm fine with and really actually want 'this'." I'm totally lying to myself sometimes and you know it. Sorry about that, but I swear I'm really coming around.

I'm a bit mixed up so I'm sorry if I've been getting wires crossed, but I'm trying to really pin point my personal truths and desires. It's hard breaking down these long held fears that can subconsciously brain wash me. It tends to take me a few days, if not weeks to realize I've been retreating to the same old tricks and just going along with what I think I'm "supposed" to be doing. But I'm beginning to wise up.

I don't want to do anymore what I'm "supposed" to do according to the convention-gods. Sure, I'm good at it, and I'm leading that typical middle class suburban life style of yuppie whatevers.I'm doing the dutiful work for that much yearned for pat on the head and nod of approval. And I finally realized that's what's holding me back from learning to do things on my own terms and trusting in my own direction and strength. I need to stop looking externally for validation of what I do or who I am. That's not the place to look for it.

I need to love and approve of myself first and foremost. I need to look inside for what I should do to find happiness, because my new definition of success embodies finding things that make me feel happy and fulfilled. I can still fulfill my wish to help others, but I don't necessarily need to do it in a conventional way. I'm currently working at a nonprofit that does great things, and while I fully support what they do and why, I notice that I'm not aligned with it completely. My day to day does not inspire and connect me directly with people to experience or realize any kind of impact. Yes, I realize my filing papers and doing this and that helps my boss who in turn helps the company achieve things, but I'm capable of a helluva lot more and I want to have the freedom to do that! I do have the freedom. Now I just need to work on taking that first step towards something different and break free of my self created cage (and these damn cubicles).

It's funny... a lot of things that I want to do are things that I've done. Basically, I recognize that I've been on the paths that I've wanted to travel before, but always convinced myself those experiences or things could only be temporary, but why do I believe that. I've proven to myself I can try new random things and go out to do new activities and that I've had the type of life I've wanted. But somehow I've moved backwards a bit and I'm not really doing much of anything anymore, minus the awesome achievement of finding my Soul Mate. But I think I let myself get too comfortable and stagnated. But I'm ready again to grow even more. I know I have the capacity and now I just need to put that in motion and make shit happen!

To start changing things up, I'm trying to be more conscious about what I choose to do and how I choose to do things. I'm currently in this place where I'm purposely not doing something expected or choosing to look at my options differently. I'm trying to break myself of my ingrained assumptions and social expectations. I'm learning to question why I have these deeply held beliefs that I have to do things in any particular way when many times my actions keep feeding me to stay "stuck" in places that I don't want to be. But I feel I have to be, because some idea in the air repeated to me growing up makes me think that's how I should act and those are the things I should want.

But I've realized that I want to do different things! Like totally enjoyable, life affirming, creative, and fulfilling type things! I've spent too long chasing socially acceptable type things. Or well, I'm starting to identify them, hence the below lists. I'm trying to break down the walls to rebuild them in a way that will suit me more naturally and help give me the inspirational energy to make an even greater impact on the world!

My vision for how I can be of more help to the Universe, by performing or achieving these things:
  • Use my creativity to find unique and non-traditional approaches towards helping others
  • Reach my vision of a dynamite self-loving confident me
  • Explore and be courageous!
  • Move North to be closer to friends and family
    (every time I talk to my friends or family up North, I get ecstatically happy and I just want to be around that ALL the time! I know in my heart that's where we're meant to end up)
  •  Become a kick-ass programmer or web developer or something related to web tinkering or could I even dare become a motivational type person or maybe start a nonprofit for self-confidence type stuffs (ok... so the end goal is still formulating in my vision)
Things I know I need to generally do to start getting where I want:
  • Take more action
  • Focus more on positive events and signs for where I want to go.
  • Trust my emotions; trust in knowing I can live a life full of joy and fulfillment.
  • Fill my time with doing activities that will help me grow and learn.
  • Structure my life so that I'm the healthiest and hottest me I can be.
  • Let go of past hangups and embrace intimacy and romance with FiancĂ© (be more physically affectionate) 
  • Be open to the outside world - seek out new and interesting experiences!
  • Get serious about developing my computer skills and dedicate more time towards increasing my knowledge 
  • Push the boundaries of my comfort zone and let go of rigid expectations!
Also, hey Universe. Thank you for helping Miles out. He had us super worried when he threw up that plastic piece and then had bloody diarrhea after the vet visit (for like 3 days!). But he finally ate his food this morning with his usual zest and vigor. Thank you Universe for helping him be healthy again.

So here's a video of Miles yesterday, feeling better while we're out on a walk, catching treats that I toss to him.

So in conclusion, thanks for being so patient with me, Universe. I get it and I'm going to make you proud!



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